Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
