I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
