Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
