If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
