you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
