did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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