Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
he shaved USA in his pubs
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
