A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
