You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
