You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
