i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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