I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
