and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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