we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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