What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
