Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
