fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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