I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
