Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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