I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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