I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize