I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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