I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
