i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I love you. Go after that dick
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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