dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
You made out with two different species that night
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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