I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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