he thought i was a dude.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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