dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
