Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
