is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Randomize
