yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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