i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
