we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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