omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
