I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Randomize
