so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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