So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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