The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
