If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
