Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
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