Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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