He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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