If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
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