My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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