I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
