My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
