the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
