this beer tastes like vomit already
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
