Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
