Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
