My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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