I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
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