You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
We were destined to go to rehab together
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
