Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
