sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
