my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I love how my cats smell like pot.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
