I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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