She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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