He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
