Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
