So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
