The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
