So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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